"Dear Future Husband… IGNORE Meghan Trainor."

Hi there, honey. Good day? Everything cool? You hungry? Oh, is that the only word beginning with H you’re going to insert into that sentence? Okay, Mia, you have fun not fooling anyone.   Baby, are you gonna let her talk to me like that?!   Well, look at you running to your husband for help; strong, independent woman anyone?    He’s your husband too!   So he should take my side, then?   Oh, just fuck off. I’m speaking to the love of my life. And, as great as I am, it’s not you.

So, hubby, please ignore Meghan Trainor and her pathetic attempts at feminism and listen to me.

Seriously. You know what, you signed yourself up for this, so don’t even roll your eyes at me – this may be the first time I spin off into a random rant, but it won’t be the last. (Which is great for you, honey, because when you do something annoying like forget our anniversary, I’ll only be focused on hating you for a few minutes.)

This song is such bullshit that it actually hurts. I mean, I thought “All About That Bass” was bad (this woman is literally everything wrong with the media in one tubby-anime-porn-fantasy package – contradictory messages that are packaged to be positive and acceptable, but are in reality the absolute fucking opposite. How, exactly, does one promote positive body image and loving every shape and size, whilst calling everyone that isn’t a certain body shape “skinny bitches” and sexually unappealing as men “like more booty to hold at night”? In fact, how are you even preaching something so regressive to women and calling it “positive”? It’s like she’s tried to cater to feminists and just completely failed. Like there was some kind of checklist that she was ticking off – you know,

• Positive body image – if you’re large, though, no skinny people here, please.
• Anti-media-constriction-you-be-yourself-guuurl-don’t-let-em-force-you-into-a-box (“You know I won’t be no stick-figure, silicone Barbie doll”) – even though she is basically basing this opinion off what her mother told her, which leads me to the next point on the feminist checklist…
• Your appearance – your existence – is not to please men. You are a woman and not just a sex object; your worth is a lot more than what an ignorant, media-influenced man thinks of you. Especially considering said men thought larger women were more attractive a century ago…  – LOL, JK. Meghan doesn’t think we should be allowed to be large because it’s natural and healthy – she thinks we should be large so that boys want to grab our booty. Because boys “like a little more booty to hold at night” and so, as women, it is our job to make our men happy and provide the booty. But not small booty. Because that would just not please the men – and that is what our bodies are for.

Actually, I don’t think that feminists are a broad enough category – it’s like she tried to cater to women and failed. You know, you’d think this was her opportunity to be a role-model and promote to young girls that their bodies are perfect. Well, thanks, Meghan, our future fifteen year old daughter with an “athletic” figure now thinks her body is unattractive and boys won’t like her. If she stuffs herself silly and becomes obese and dies, it’s on you.  Or maybe she was just taking advantage of a marketing trend – the increase of heavier woman; the average size is a 14 now; this is actually why a lot of plus sized fashion stores are opening – and wanted to really secure herself that target audience of larger ladies. Maybe we’re all reading into the song wrong and her “BIG IS NOT JUST BETTER, IT IS THE ONLY SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE” message is what she wants to promote. It’s all a big marketing scheme.  I’m sorry, baby. Rant over. Back to you. Well, back to the inspiration behind this letter)

but “Dear Future Husband” is possibly worse. Because “All About That Bass” felt like it demeaned me, but this not only achieves, but exceeds that and demeans you! Wow. Put it that way and this girl has a fucking talent.

I’m not going to go into what exactly makes this song absolutely terrible (

• It’s shit. It’s just actually terrible. She can’t sing, the song is generic and stupid sounding and catchy as fuck. And, yes, that’s a bad thing. For you too. Would you want me singing this in the shower first thing in the morning? Me neither.
• ONCE AGAIN, YOU HAVE FAILED TO PROMOTE YOUR MESSAGE. CONGRATULATIONS. YOU’RE A FUCKING IDIOT. 
• By that I mean that this is quite clearly meant to be a pro-feminist, anti-gender roles anthem. A big “just because I’m your wife, doesn’t mean I’m suddenly your meek, well behaved chef” banner Meghan’s waving to her future husband. Well, good for you honey – you’ve presented that message and then destroyed it. Decimated it. Fucking annihilated it. “‘Cause if you’ll treat me right, I’ll be the perfect wife, Buying groceries, Buy-buying what you need”. Wait, I thought you were, you know, a modern woman that “has a 9 to 5” and won’t be “home and baking apple pies” – all I have to do is treat you right (which according to her is calling her pretty – by the way, babe, I have friends and a mirror for reassurance on my opinion; treating me right is a lot more than calling me pretty.) and you’ll suddenly drop all your morals and buy me food? Great! 
• WHY MUST THIS BITCH ALWAYS HATE ON OTHER WOMEN? AND, LET’S NOT LIE, IT’S USUALLY WOMEN THAT OUR CURRENT SOCIETY DEEMS DESIRABLE. JEALOUSY, ANYONE? See, I’m a big believer in people being different and doing whatever the fuck they want. Let’s look at housewives. I have a lot of respect for them because keeping a family running smoothly is hard. Putting other people’s needs as priority and looking after people is hard. I don’t think women should be expected to be house wives because we can do whatever the hell pleases us – if it’s looking after our family by being a house wife and doing the shopping (and cooking and cleaning and absolutely every little thing needed to keep life working normally that people don’t usually notice or appreciate) or by working to bring in another income. So why must Meghan (who, from a normal person’s point of view . . . does fuck all. She hasn’t got a particularly great voice, so I’m guessing she’s not spending her time touring and . . . well, we’ve all seen her dance.) hate on these women – going out of her way to prove that she’s not like them? Maybe it’s because men generally like a woman that wants to take care of them and “bake apple pies” – and no, not because they’re all sexist, but for the same reason women like men that take care of them . . . IT’S NICE TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.
• So we always talk about inequality for women and that is a big fucking issue, but how about inequality for men? Because this is a DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIP this woman is promoting. A marriage (this is for you baby) is a partnership – you’re a team. Doesn’t matter how you do things day in, day out, that’s all your business, but it’s not master and slave, boss and employee – it’s husband and wife, best friends, two loves. See, my future husband, that is what I promise to you; a team mate. Someone always on your side; maybe not always agreeing with you, but always trying to help you. Obviously, I’m doing something wrong, though, because according to Meghan the man is always wrong, and “gotta know how to treat me like a lady, even when I’m acting crazy”. 
• Something about that doesn’t seem right . . . Oh right, maybe it’s the fact it’s completely fucked up! Earlier, she quite clearly states that the husband must treat her nicely in order for her to be a good wife to him. I agree with this – just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you suddenly need to stop with basic manners and respect – but guess what . . . it’s a two way street! Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice when a guy can handle moodswings and accept and help you through your less reasonable moments, but one: they really don’t have to; it’s not their God given duty, in fact it’s more of a hassle that they endure because they love you. And two: YOU LITERALLY JUST SAID THAT SHIT DON’T FLY WITH HIM, WHAT MAKES YOU SO FUCKING SPECIAL? YOU DON’T EVEN BAKE!
• Compliments=Sex. If you can’t see what’s wrong with that message then you’re either a guy looking to get laid quicker, or you’re not thinking about it deeply enough. Honey, imagine your little sister or your daughter listening to this shit and taking this message in. Not so great now, is it?
• This: “And know we’ll never see your family more than mine”
• And this: “After every fight, Just apologize”. 
• No, seriously, think about that sentence. Now, imagine a man saying that a woman. And, hey presto, we have an abusive relationship!
• Oh, and then this: “If you wanna get that special loving, Tell me I’m beautiful each and every night” , “Open doors for me and you might get some kisses”, “Just apologize, And maybe then I’ll let you try and rock my body right”. Who died and made you Queen? I’m sorry, is sex with you a spiritual experience? No? Then, why am I catering to you like you’re God. See, this level of respect for herself and knowing that she doesn’t have to put out and that she deserves compliments and to be made to feel special is great, it’s fantastic, but . . . Jesus Christ, high maintenance much. She doesn’t sound like she wants a husband, she sounds like she wants a fan. (I’d say a sex toy, but she doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in that) Not catering to your husband’s every whim is fine, it’s actually fantastic, but can’t you at least consider him? Care about his feelings? You know, you’re so busy focusing on your desires, what about his? (See baby – I’d never do that to you. I’d totally buy you porn and oil for when I’m in one of my writing stakeouts)  )

I’m just going to write a letter to my future husband because I love him and want to say hi. I don’t really have a “list of requirements” for our marriage because . . . you’re an individual. I mean, there’s no “Husband” blueprint. Like, you might not like football, so I can’t promise to leave you alone during game time. You get me? But I’ll try. Just for you, baby. Kisses.

• We gotta have fun man. Like I said, it’s a best friendship. I don’t want to marry someone because they’re good looking, or good in bed, because quite frankly looks fade with age, being good in bed means you’re probably a hoe and I’m not down to catch any STD’s and the most important part of a lasting relationship is your actual relationship with the person. We gotta have a hell of a lot of fun. Pillow fights, food fights . . . I want a tree house.
• R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Treat me the same way you treated me while you were trying to win me. See, for me, I treat guys better the longer I know them – so my husband will be treated like my baby. Well, I mean, not literally. That would be weird. Especially the breast milk part. Really? Not the giving birth part?  Oh, yeah, that!   It actually confuses me how your brain works  but I don’t like relationships where the couples take each other for granted and lose their love the longer they go. Nope. You better still send me cute paragraphs while we at work if you still want me to curve these niggas for your cute ass.
• I don’t believe in that tit for tat shit with relationships. The rest of the world, most definitely, but not a long-standing, loving relationship. If you had a bad day at work, and you snapped at me yesterday, I’m not holding it against you tomorrow. But same goes. We play games with other people, not each other. Mmkay?
• We won’t be conventional.
• As for cooking and cleaning and whatever, like do we even need to talk about it? If I’m cooking, I’m cooking; if you’re cooking, you’re cooking; if we both cooking, we both cooking.

Anyways, hubby, this has been nice. I know you’re out here busy making bad decisions that’ll turn into funny stories to tell me later, so I’m going to let you go, but kisses boo. Mia. Pinterest  Twitter  Tumblr  Facebook