Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Do At Funerals

Funerals. Blerg.

I mean, funerals really suck. Probably more for the person in the coffin than you, but let’s look at this from a selfish point of view. Seriously, though, don’t funerals just . . . well, suck? I’ve only been to two funerals in my life (I think . . .) and those were for my grandad and great-grandma. So it’s not like the only funerals I’ve been to were courtesy visits because I bought a cat off them, or something.

And would you like the know what I thought? Funerals are boring, depressing and long. As a matter of fact, I genuinely believe an ice-cream shop well placed next to a cemetery would make a killing.

Killing. Gettit.

Anyways, I was watching Outnumbered and the mum was talking about how she laughs at funerals . . . then it hit me – Now, that is something that I would do. That is something that many poor, clueless (watched that movie yesterday – I can’t help loving it. Anyone with me? No? . . . Oh, okay . . .) teenagers would do. I feel like I should take the massive weight of a metaphorical coffin onto my shoulders and educate the youth of today about what not to do at funerals!

This is why you love me, guys.

So, without further ado, I present a small guide to funeral etiquette.

Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Do At Funerals

1. Listen to Thriller.
2. Conduct satanic rituals to bring the corpse back to life. Which leads me to my next point.
3. Don’t act out Thriller either. Bringing dead people back as zombies is bad. You will be eaten.
   
4. Die. It would be a bit rude to steal a dead person’s thunder.
5. Go on a killing spree. Yes, Americans I’m talking to you. If you want to shoot out your high school . . . well, obviously don’t, but at least make sure to wait for the funeral to finish. Have a little respect.
6. Have a Frankenstein moment and shout “IT WORKED!” before laughing maniacally.
7. Get touchy-feely with the corpse. Being forever alone might make you a bit lonely, but that poor dead guy just escaped your clutches . . . leave him alone, okay?
8. Propose to your girlfriend.
9. With a ring off the corpse’s finger.
10. Bring up what a dick the dead dude is. That’s generally not okay . . .
11. Fall asleep.
12. Fall asleep in the coffin.
13. Fall asleep in the coffin and get buried alive.
14. Or, worse, cremated.
15. Then come back to life.
16. As a zombie.
17. Or a vampire
18. Or just generally anything undead.
19. But, if you do have to, make sure to go on a vengeance rant. I mean, not to.
20. Don’t massacre a bunch of people.
21. Definitely don’t eat the corpse.
22. Or the detective that’s inspecting the crime scene.
23. Well, that escalated quickly.
24. Weird.
25. Well, congratulations you’ve ruined the funeral.
26. Fuckface.
27. No, don’t eat me.
28. Damn.
    

Well.

I got a bit carried away towards the end.

Oops.